And your life is worth?...Shit.

Commercials on TV: the source of most things that make me happy and piss me off. Today, something entirely ordinary and not new to me at all just struck me in a new light via the enlightening medium of infotainment. It started off with a simple advertisement for some third rate life insurance company (the kind that looks really cheap and attractive until you die and then it turns out you didn't read the clause that says that when you die, they give your family like, a sack of peanuts and then demolish your house...and sleep with your wife...and she likes it). Normally, such an advertisement wouldn't really mean much to me, despite the rampant hints at infidelity and the fact that I don't like peanuts, but suddenly I broke down the term "life insurance" and realized exactly what it is. It's insurance for your LIFE.

Ok, so I just lost half my readers because I sounded like an idiot, but to the 2 of you still left, let me explain. If you really think about the concept of life insurance, is that not the most depressing prospect ever? It got me thinking about all kinds of insurances, also, but more on that in a second. So what the commercial made me realize is that life insurance is a total concession on the hopelessness of humans. In a nutshell (peanut shell?): we're pretty sure you're going to die in X amount of years/days/minutes, your life is worth X amount of dollars/cents/peanuts, so give us that amount of money over time, and we're willing to bet that you will pay us to cough up that money early because chances are, you will fuck up and die before when we guessed and then you hit the jackpot. It's just a big slot machine. Pay us enough money, and you may just get lucky and get three sevens...or get hit by a truck. I want to know when life insurance started. Who was the first person to realize, "Hey, people fuck up so much, that by now, they're probably starting to realize that they are predisposed to fuck up and die, so I'll capitalize on the fact that some of them might beat the odds and live to be as old as they should if they weren't such fuck ups! Then they'll really pay out the ass." And seriously? How dirty must it feel to collect on life insurance policies. I can just imagine the tears streaming at the funeral...as I wipe my eyes with 100 dollar bills. That's bills worth 100 dollars, not 100 single dollar bills. The latter is much less impressive, and I can imagine would be rather unwieldly and conspicuous to wipe one's eyes with at a funeral.

So anyway, in how many aspects of life have we resigned to our own tendency to get fucked so hard that we have to "insure" it. We REQUIRE it for cars. We are so certain that you will blow it hard because you suck at driving like everyone else, so just start paying us for it now and it won't be as bad later. I'm pretty sure that requirement was part of the Equal Rights Amendment. If women get to drive, too, we'll HAVE to insure their dangerous vehicles of death, but we have to make it look like we're charging EVERYONE. Note: I don't know the time period, content, if this amendment ever passed, or if it even existed, but I do know that if I wrote it, it would include the clause: "Women shalt not get pissed when I makest funeth of thoust, because it's funny and they knowst it is partly or mostly true." If I write it like that, they'll have to believe it, and I'll get the church on my side, especially if I tack on mandatory baby implantations into the uteri of all women over the age of 15. God power.

Insurances go further: fire, flood, earthquake, monster, James' flailing limbs. These are slightly less critical of human nature, but are still severly depressing. "We here at Federal Underlings of Catastrophic Klimate Environmental Damages Insurance Company know that your home means a lot to you, and chances are, it's gonna get fucked. So, before it does, protect yourself, get FUCKED." How depressing, and what a gamble. It's like a choose your own adventure book, except instead of an adventure, you're choosing how you think your life will be ruined, and if you guess wrong, you don't get to go back to page 1. If you guess right, you'll probably still be told that the tornado was travelling in a northly direction not insured by the company and that the wind speed was a prime number, so your premium has increased.

Regardless, I think people should start insuring things that REALLY matter. Dick insurance. Can you imagine the questionaire for trying to get dick insurance: How long is it? Does it work? How many of the women you have slept with would you consider "slutty"? That's a lie, you haven't slep with any women at all, have you? Do you have a tendency to put it in places it doesn't belong? Did you ever get "curious" with an animal? You sound sexy, what's your number? I just got depressed realizing that such an insurance probably already exists, because I'm pretty sure they insure body parts.

Ok, how about time insurance. You pay some amount of money per month and then whenever someone wastes your time, you file a claim to get paid for how much your wasted time was worth. (For those of you filing a claim for reading this blog, it falls under the category of "pointless coworker/friend conversation". Just for the record, keep in mind that in all likelihood, your time is worth shit, so expect a steaming pile of it in the mail in 6-8 weeks. Also, I think too many claims have been filed from this webpage and reading my blog is no longer insurable.) See: Title of Blog.

I'm also a proponent of stupid insurance. If you're stupid, you annoy me and give me money and then are shot. I guess that's more like stupid tax and subsequent mass murder. But still, it's a good idea.

Anyway, I'm off to the store for a 12 inch ruler and some Viagra...it's time to defraud some insurance agencies.