I'm back, get a change of pants ready...

Back by popular demand of my own over inflated self-esteem, it is once again time for me to fill the time you would have spent checking away messages with something that's an even less effective use of your person. A lot has happened in the past majority of a year that I've been AWOL, but you probably given even less of a shit about it than I do, so I'll move on to the reason why I'm here - something has finally caused me to tirade to a sufficiently funny degree that it might be worth me begging for attention by publishing it in the ever-prestigious and content selective e-world known as the e-ternet....or, for those of you that are trendy and use hip modern technology, you're probably more comfortable with the term: i-e-ternet. But I digress.....which to some would seem impossible to do when I didn't establish a topic from which to digress, nor will I ever approach a coherent enough level in this entry to ever be able to claim digression status. Allow me to regress.

Recently, a friend of mine (go to his blog, it's funny and more poignant...doesn't leave you with that chalky, vacuous taste in your mouth like mine does) pointed me toward an article he saw on Yahoo News that he thought to be absurd. As I revel in the absurd, I thought I would give it a shot. Never have my "people dumber than me" sensors responded so heavily. This particular article was in regards to a fine programming piece known as Survivor. After somehow pulling in 600,000,000 viewers per episode for the last 37 consecutive seasons, the edge cutting producers in the Survivor backlot where the show is filmed thought of a whole new way to keep their viewers begging for more. Instead of featuring one gay old guy with a Grizzly Adams complex and a shriveled penis that everyone tunes in to each week to try and get a taste of, they've added a second one. But this one eats scorpions on a dare, is a nanny, is painted black to see what it's like to be African, designs clothes, cooks food, is a D list celebrity, is Paris Hilton (sorry for the redundancy), is an annoying, walking, floppy vagina (again, apologies), is a mole on the inside, lives with a bunch of mismatched college students, sings poorly, can't dance, is a terrible comic, is morbidly obese, wants to marry an idiot on television from a pool of other uber-idiots, is trying to get a thankless lackey "executive" job from a withering billionaire based on looks as much as merit, lives in the Playboy Mansion, can do stupid stunts, runs around America getting lost and being an waste of sperm, is a model, lives in Laguna Beach, and has never watched reality TV in his life. But, all kidding aside (except for the deluge of kidding that is about to follow), in this article, one of the high powered executives behind the scenes of Survivor was explaining the new idea, which entails tribes battling for supremacy, as previous seasons have, but this time, segregated by race, in what they describe as the "next logical step in our social experiment". Now, I have no problem with the inherent debased qualities of this idea of making a black, white, Asian, and Hispanic tribe (although it will obviously be a boring season as the black people will easily win through a combination of superior physical ability and natural intimidating techniques, not to mention unbeatable firepower, as most of the team members' single personal item they bring with them will be a gun). What I did find fascinating, is that this high powered executive producer (who, in all fairness, is a woman, so it's ok, because they're not paying her as much to make such stupid comments, anyway) proceeded to explain that this "social experiment" would not merely be a Darwinesque pitting of the races against each other, but that we would see whole new phenomena, such as, and I quote, "...people doing things like making fire in ways that haven't been done on Survivor". Please take a moment to take a deep breath as I do the same. Ok, let's continue. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Let me start with the basic oversight in her statement. First, let's assume she is correct, and that 20 people that live in the 21st century in urbanized, industrialized America have different conceptions and notions of how a fire should be created based on their racial distinctions. I think we can all get along with that statement without too much blind faith, right? Well, even so, she is forgetting that these differences will be preempted by the natural order of racial interactions before we even get a chance to witness these novel new creations of flame. What I mean is, it's obvious that the second they step foot on the island, the white people will tell the Mexicans that aren't already gathering food for them to build a fire. With a little industrious ingenuity, and a lot of tequila, this task will be done before too long. Within minutes, however, the Asians will merely see this idea, study it, and then redesign it as more efficient, longer lasting, and hotter burning, and soon, the Mexicans will be out of jobs, and the Americans will quickly kick them out of their camp for being freeloaders. Oh yeah, and then come nightfall, the black people will steal it. So, when all is said and done, everyone's going to have essentially the same fire, but the black people will still have guns. Season over. What else have you got for me, Hollywood?

The worst thing about all the reality TV shows is that I can't even make fun of them adequately. At this point, it would be the perfect time in the flow of my rant to make up a funny idea for a new reality show that is obviously absurd due to the hyperbole that was used to exaggerate and point out the foibles in the present boundaries of today's programs...but after about 5 minutes, I was still unable to come up with an idea that wasn't already done. The only thing I can think of is that they at least need to start catering to public demand (assuming the public likes exactly what I like). For example, have you ever noticed in movies that things hitting guys in the nuts are ALWAYS hilarious, even on repeat? How about a show "Who wants to get kicked in the nuts?". The premise is, they start the counter off with a certain amount of money, and then this big ass dude in front of you wears a huge ass boot. Then, every few seconds, the money amount drops, and the guy puts on a smaller, softer boot. This continues as such until the contestant decides they want to get kicked in the nuts and take the money amount that is displayed, however decreased it may be from the original value. Then, while he prepares for this, the audience calls from home and votes that he gets kicked in the nuts by the big boot, anyway. If you liked that idea, just wait for the spin-offs I've got up my sleeve: "Who wants to get hit in the nuts by a baseball?", "Who wants to punch a chick in the boob?" and the one I'm most excited about, "Who wants to nail themselves in the balls?". In the latter, the harder you hit, the more money you get. This could also be passed off as an educational social experiment by observing how America's dumbest guarantee the destruction of their reproductive potency providing the future of our world with hope...and it would also be funny to see how a guy in a dick cast would spend a million bucks.

Alright, in case you can't tell, I'm grasping at straws now, so in the interest of hopefully getting a positive response on this one and ensuring the continuing publishing of this blog, since I won't do it without the positive reinforcement I so crave, I'm going to end it. I'm also going to pilot the idea of taking suggestions for my next entry. I figure that way I can garner more interest, so if your idea doesn't suck and I can find a way to get pissed about it, leave it in the comments. I might give it a shot.

I gotta go, Deal or No Deal is starting.