Requiem for a Cripple

So, in an ironic twist of fate that has reduced me to walking with a cane, I finally understand the physically handicapped. If by understand, I mean understand why I like to laugh at them and delight in their misfortune. Being a cripple myself right now, I know what it is like to be disadvantaged in all sorts of daily tasks, and it must be terrible to live like that everyday......knowing that you won't be afforded the pleasant treat of a full recovery like me, suckers. No, but seriously, as funny as it is to watch a guy on crutches open a door or a girl with a neck brace try and turn around to respond to someone calling her name (or to me calling her names), my impaired walking has allowed two new group of idiots to piss me off: people that suck at walking and people that are more disabled than me.

As for the first group, there are a lot of people that can be summed into this category. Not surprisingly, that sum ends up consisting of purely small, asian girls that can name more US presidents than they can speak words of English. Apparently, there is something so awe inspiring about being in the Great West that it involves an in depth study of every object they walk past. Either that, or they are just entirely oblivious that ______(insert ANYTHING here) exists. I swear, it's like, I can compare them to a small child walking in a large forest, except the average small child doesn't walk directly into every tree while looking the opposite direction, and that child ESPECIALLY doesn't cut right in front of the big, angry looking tree with a metal cane. From my experience, there are only two things these girls will notice while walking: the ground directly in front of their toes because they are afraid of looking up and making eye contact with the world, or anything BUT what is in front of them. These two characteristics can most likely be attributed to whether or not they are alone, or are walking in a big, parasitic gelatinous mob of FOB women. The alone ones just have this "I HAVE TO BE AT MY NEXT DESTINATION IMMEDIATELY" syndrome, where they are mortified to be on their own as they walk from one class to the next, and then pace rapidly with a distressed look on their face outside of the classroom they just arrived 1.5 hours early to. Today, this 4'6" asian girl walking perpendicular to my path TOTALLY looked up from the ground just enough to see my tall ass gangly shins and my shinning cane of wrath, and then STILL decided that she could beat me off the line. WRONG. After I kneed her in the ovaries when our paths collided, I tried to take a swipe at her back with my cane to make sure she knew she just cut off a cripple, but I swung over her head. My only hope is that a strong breeze blew her out of my life and out of my country soon after. Then there is the group catastrophe. Their ability to flock in a large formation and turn in every direction simultaneously like one lumbering beast reminds me of the beauty of formation flights of migrating birds, except all the birds are retarded and they don't speak English. And also, the birds point and laugh at who knows what. So far, I have seen groups of these wastes of sexual reproduction be astonished by a tree, a signpost, and me. But while they're doing this, they manage to block off the whole shitting sidewalk and when I try and push through, they just giggle and point and laugh and I smile and nod back with my finger on the speed dial for the INS. Since they like to take up the sidewalk so much, I think I'm going to step on them and pave a new one with their faces. Either that or I'm going to carry around a handful of green index cards and chuck them off into the bushes next to them whenever I'm in a hurry and don't want to have to deal with a snickering horde of pygmies. I'm not saying there isn't anyone else that sucks at walking, because you ALL do, but, I figured I could use this excuse to mask my true motive to just rant about FOBs while only seeming like a rampant rascist instead of a genocidal maniac.

The explanation for being pissed off at people that are more disabled than me is simple. You know that satisfaction that you get in holding the door open for someone in a wheelchair? Don't shit me right now, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You're not holding the door open because you're nice, you're holding it open so you can smile at the cripple like they're a five year old child, and then flex your calf muscles as they pass. Whatever, you know what I'm talking about. Well, get this. Imagine leaning heavily on a cane, and then doing the exact same thing. SO VINDICATING. "Yeah, I'm on a cane here, but hey, nice shiny wheels!" And THEN, after they pass, let the door close and limp past them faster than they are going. Priceless. I guess this doesn't give me any reason to be pissed of at people more disabled than me, but boy am I glad they are there to make me feel good about myself. And in case you're wondering, yes, I do think that having to mildly limp with a cane gives me the right to make fun of handicapped individuals, thank you very much.

One more thing, you know those people that listen to their music in the elevator, but they have those headphones that have such poor sound direction that they essentially broadcast the music to the outside through speakers? The next time I get in an elevator with one of them, I am going to push every button on the elevator, and tell them that stopping at every floor is something that I enjoy doing and that I hope it doesn't bother them at all. Then I'll scream terrible melodies at the top of my lungs. But really, I did it just so I can put their face in the way of the closing doors at each stop. Your music sucks, everyone can hear it, and you're ugly. Go to hell.

I think my biggest motivation to get back on my feet is so I can kick all these peoples asses with BOTH legs, but I'll still only use one on the cripples, because I'd like to think I'm a fair guy.