Time to Whine

Can I mention how tired I am of never getting anything I want? I don't want to whine or anything. Ok, on closer consideration, I have read what I just titled this post and decided that I do want to whine or something. Not even or something, that's exactly what I want to do. I don't feel like I ever ask for that much, but if the world were Santa Clause, I'd be filling the fireplace with lighter fluid and hiding behind the couch with a match to get back at him for all those years of freaking coal in the stocking of my existence.

First order of business: a pony. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable here. Ponies are not only adorable, but they are cost effective and hold their value well. Plus, all the work the pony would do around the house would more than pay for it. And I'd walk it everyday.

Ok, got that one out of the way.

Next up, what I so affectionately call "the female catastrophe" (OK, you caught me, this post is entirely a thinly veiled expose on my frustration with women throughout my lonely, lonely existence). Guys, I'll get to you in a second, but for now, girls? Holy crap. I have one point of advice to help you fix everything and to stop pissing me off: Get. Over. Yourselves. The problem with each and every girl is that they simultaneously want to be smarter than everyone else, and then do the stupidest shit imaginable. Just for the record, it doesn't balance out. If you act like you've got the whole world figured out and know what your life is all about, and then spend half your day chasing after some douchebag, who will only notice you when your shirt's off or he's drunk, because you think you can see the real him behind his facade, then do me the favor of never coming into my sight again, because I will "notice" my foot into your larynx. I think what happened is girls got tired of being able to get whatever guy they wanted to, just because guys don't give a crap, and so instead, they started finding guys that they could MAKE reasons up for why they couldn't have him or why he hates THEM in particular as opposed to all the other girls he wouldn't think twice about picking up if they expressed as much interest in him as me in a small child's cries for help as he is attacked by a pack of wolves (hint: very little, with some laughter involved). There's an important step I'm leaving out in all of this though. In the middle of all this making up of things that she can cry about, the female will then seek out someone to lean on for support and reassure her that she's not ugly. Target: everyone she knows. So then, you've got the entire world, minus the sought after sack of crap and the annoying ass clingy girl that wants to obtain this sack of crap, hearing this girl wank her heart out until 1) all the girls realize they want to be more interesting than that bitch by becoming a more tortured individual so they make up even worse crap to feel sorry for themselves about and 2) all the guys do nothing. Guys don't think about anything and they don't give a damn ass. Girls, I'm done berating you, if you're one of my friends and are a girl and are reading this, you're one of the glorious exceptions to the rule for which I am so thankful, and you're also, hopefully, gullible. Consequently, I am very available for you to torture yourself over. If you're not one of my friends and are a girl, reread this paragraph and then go investigate the tailpipe of an idling car. Get in real close, it will answer your questions.

But now on to something MUCH WORSE: guys. Guys, I'm tired of you CAUSING everything I mentioned above. Stop doing nothing and not giving a damn ass, you're only encouraging them. Stop trying to pretend like you're interesting or that you have standards or reservations. You really don't. The male world is divided into two strata. The self proclaimed gurus, and the freaking losers. The losers hate the gurus for always acting like they know everything and managing to pick up all the whores, and the gurus hate the losers, because they have to look at us--er, uh--them. Honestly, if one more guy tells me that "all I need to do is _____", or that such and such will really help me pick up chicks, I'm going to tie their penis to a merry go round for effect, but then just punch them in the throat, instead. I am tired of guys being underhanded, cruel, sadistic, and single-minded, but I'm more tired that I'm not any damn good at being that, too. And girls, stop letting that work! So, guys stop promoting girls to hate themselves, and girls stop promoting guys to be assholes so that you can hate yourselves. In fact, if everyone could just do me the favor of shutting up and getting over yourself, that would be great. You're not that cool. I'm that cool.

I should not have written this because it is really late and I have no idea what I am talking about. I am not even going to read over it because I don't want to end up regretting what I said and deleting it, because, well, that would just be too smart and I'm a much bigger fan of humiliating myself in front of everyone. So, from what I can remember, in conclusion, if you want to start giving me what I want world, I could use the following:

A pony
All males to die
All females to suddenly realize that all males are dead and that "last resort" James just suddenly became the sexy by-default alpha male.
All females to die after I realize that they still don't notice I exist even though I'm the last man on earth.
A pack of wolves to attack a small child

That will be all, world. I'm not a greedy man.