New Place, New Peeves

Well, I've officially become independent by moving into my very own apartment and taking that big step into the big world. Note that my understanding of "independent" involves having all boarding and utilities paid for by my parents, as well as educational expenses and pretty much anything I ever purchase because I have no personal income or finances to speak of. I guess a better way to describe my independence is that I am "independent" from most forms of human contact, for now that I live in an apartment instead of a dorm hall, I have walked out the front door maybe 3 times in the last week. The rest of the time is spent on the same living room floor I am lying on right now doing shit on my computer and watching hour after hour of the National Geographic channel, which I now get with my digital cable (thanks mom and dad).

Let me start with that very channel. I want, first, to express that it is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Besides the most fascinating and intelligent content of any other network, it makes me look cool to others when they go, "Oh James! You're watching TV again! You're such a couch potato. Just kidding!" and I can respond, "Shut up." But then, when I get more energy, I can further enlighten them as to the mysteries of SHC (spontaneous human combustion), the probability that ghosts exist, and just who really does have the most extreme job on the planet (which I watch mostly because I'm fascinated by people that have jobs). Then, I can gloat to this annoyingly stagnant lifeform of nosy repetitive waste that I have learned far more than they probably have "interacting" with the world (aka - inserting themselves into the lives of others so that they might build a larger base of people that wish their idiocracy was sharp enough to make a shish-ka-bob out of their forebrain much like I do), and I didn't have to move anywhere to do it. And I probably got to eat a lot more, too. Now, to the thing that really pisses me off. In the 5 days I have been enjoying this lovely network, I have started to see repeats of documentaries and programs, until I have now realized that they have about 11 hours of programming for their 24 hour network. National Geographic, I appreciate what you, but I will give you another 27 hours of firsthand footage on human violence and brutality if you don't make more stuff for me to watch soon. There needs to be an invention where when I need something or want something or just feel like saying something to someone, I can just press and button and it contacts them and makes them talk to me directly and do what I ask. I guess it's kind of like a telephone, but without 10 digit numbers, because that's annoying, and also, the people on the other end are only the ones that I want to talk to, and they aren't all pathetic excuses for a douchebag. There are so many people out there that wish they could even be a full blown douchebag. Also, this "superphone" would always be next to me so I couldn't lose it or lose my will to use it when it was out of my reach. It will also do what I want telepathically, so, a "super telephone" where in this case, tele stands for telepathic. Lastly, no one else has one of these, because that would get out of hand. One more thing, can it be made out of naked chicks or something? Draw up some plans and have them on my desk by wednesday.

One thing I certianly don't miss about living in the college zone, is that people entirely lose their ability to be self aware of the volume with which they are grating their vocal cords to create coherent patterns that piss the crap out of me. I think it has to do with the fact that they become so self aware about everything else in life in a quest to not be a loser in the eyes of the public (however opposite the effect is in the eyes of the intelligent (me). (I'm not sure if you can use parentheses in parentheses like in math, but I think if I'm confident about it, it will fly)). (I AM (CONFI(DENT) ABOUT) MY USAGE OF PARENTHESES). I am not confident in my behavior around females, however. Oh well, fair trade. Anyway, here's the scenario. I've seen people get up from a table while, say, having lunch. They go over to get some condiments, and when they get there, use their cell phone to call the person they're dining with to ask if they want anything while they're up. YET, when walking down some street in a residential neighborhood, they find it easier to yell as loudly as possible to their friend on the 7th story of an apartment complex in hopes that he'll poke his head out the window and say "hi". Then they have a freaking shoutversation (shouting conversation). I like to call it a "please throw a javelin through my chest" exchange. I wonder if their friends would hear their curdling screams of agony. If not, I'll tape it for them.

A program I haven't seen before just came on NG channel, so I'm too distracted to go on. However, in the last set of commercials, they just informed me that program uncovering the mysteries of spontaneous human combustion will be on next. That's the third time today, because I've been watching all day and I know. You'd think I'd change the channel, but the remote is out of reach and my super telepathphone hasn't been invented yet. I think I'm just telepathetic. Maybe I'll yell for help...

Keep pissing me off world. Bring it on.